(A comical, chauvinistic and mostly true look at what you should probably avoid if you want to ever be taken seriously again as a “bodybuilder”.)
1) Single reps.
1 rep max sets don’t build muscle. Anything less than 3 reps is for strength athletes and even that is debatable in many instances.
2) Tell people you’re a bodybuilder.
Unless you’re getting paid to do it, you’re not a bodybuilder. You like to workout.
3) Wear sleeveless shirts to the club.
4) Wear sunglasses in the gym
This is not FLEX magazine 1997 and you are not Chris Cormier.
5) Wear parachute pants (aka MC Hammer circa 1992 pants)
Drive! Conserve the calories.
7) Lift anything up.
Other than at the gym, you must realize you’re ALL SHOW and NO GO. This is perfectly acceptable.
8) Measure your arms.
No one over the age of 17 years old should measure their arms unless its to win a bet. Then, it better result in you getting laid or getiing paid!
9) Move Fast.
Have you ever seen a Lion move?
S-L-O-W…and deliberate. It’s saying “I’m the King of the F#*kin jungle biatch. You best get out my way”.
10) Walk like a penguin.
For the love of God people please walk like a human.
11) Eat lentils and beans as “a protein source”.
Get serious. If it didn’t walk, run or swim, it’s NOT protein.
12) Allow yourself to quit (at ANYTHING!).
Bodybuilding is the most Alpha Male (or female) pastime known to man.
Be assertive, control your destiny, and kick some f#*kin ass.
13) Get over 12% bodyfat.
Unless you’re injured… or married, don’t do it.
14) Pierce anything below your neck.
15) Get a superman tattoo
16) Take the stairs.
Find an elevator. This is not about fitness, its 100% aesthetics.
17) Offer a sincere answer to, “How much do you bench, dude?”
A dumb question warrants an equivalent answer.
18) Use bodybuilding forums as your primary source of information.
“Getbig” is NOT a reputable source of valuable information.
19) Validate anything you do in the gym with, “Because Branch does it”!
20) Curl in the squat rack
21) Bench more than you squat.
Think about that. You’ve got problems and you’re probably wearing your girlfriends pants.
22) Use kettlebells for ANYTHING.
Other than holding the door open.
23) Eat tofu.
24) Tell people how much bigger you’ve gotten.
Trust me, if it’s true people will be telling you.
25) Speak negatively about Ronnie, Jay, Dorian, or Lee Haney.
26) Use preparation-H as part of your contest prep.
Dude, it’s a myth!
(People are using preparation-H the week before a contest to rid themselves of excess subcutaneous water… good thinking!).
27) Use garbage bags to increase “effectiveness” of cardio
Sweating more DOES NOT equate to additional fat loss or calories burned, Mr. 1982 parachute pants.
28) Complain about cardio
Why does everyone feel the need to complain about cardio?
IT’S.YOUR.CHOICE.MEAT.BAG. Go eat a donut.
29) Wear spandex pants.
30) Tell people you’re working your “tie-ins”
The tie-in is the imaginary place that exists in the space between two
muscles that many bodybuilders believe they can “work” somehow.
Used in a sentence… “I’m working my hamstring-glute tie-ins”
NO ur NOT!
And some of the ones that didn’t quite make the cut:
31) Carry around pictures of you from your last show, 5 years ago.
32) Use a competition pic of yourself that is over 2 years old when you now look more like you’ve been training for a Big Mac eating contest.